Copyright © Louis Schmier
Date: Sat 2/3/2007 4:32 AM
….I remember you saying that facing death from cancer placed you closest to facing life and that never forgetting you could have died is the best way to intensely live life, and that I should never blot out when I…… Like your cancer, all that past shit now reminds me of my blessings, to list all the good things in my life, to see the real value within me, to focus on the potential I have within me, to focus on my purpose in life, and to put me at peace with…...I still like that because each day I was think about how if I want to become a stronger, more self-confident person, I can become that person. I am slowly being confident and believing in myself. I am slowly seeing that I can achieve a lot more than I’ve ever tried to. One clean day leads me to another and another and another. Each day I get a tingle of excitement when I think of fulfilling my unexplored possibilities that I once never dreamed could exist. Those feelings tell me who I actually am and of the value within me which is important if I am to believe in what I can do. I cherish them and now work hard to bring them to the surface and give them life so they can give me a better life. Like you told me, a small step on a great journey to find that magnificent treasure within me is not small at all. I really liked what you once said to me. Each day I am clean I believe in myself more. I do not think all those negative things that people have said about me and have done to me, and what I had believed for so long about me. I realize my value and self worth does not come from….but from who I am. I am so happy to not have felt that awful feeling….It was a feeling of shame, sadness, and anger. Now each day I am clean I gain confidence in myself and am happier. I don’t let those voices stop me. I don’t let others stop me. I don’t let me stop me. I have found that my most beautiful and fulfilling moments are the ones that are the sincere and authentic ones. That is, when I'm being my true self is, when I'm at my best. So many people so quickly latch on to someone else's idea of who they should be and what is success, while at the same time ignoring their own authentic dreams. So many people so easily ignore the words in their gut and dismiss their own instincts and intuitions. That’s what I was doing. I remember all those times you told me that each day I was clean I was being myself and no longer what others wanted or expected me to be. You kept telling me to pay attention to that little voice inside of me. I listen to it now each day. That voice, as I see, tells me what I can accomplish, what brings me joy, and create real richness in my life. I have taped to my mirror a copy of note you sent me in reply to when I was desperately in need of faith in me. I doubt you remember it. I’m sure you don’t remember it. Here it is: ‘Could it be that there is a vast storehouse of value within you that is waiting to be unlocked, and that each day you're clean you catch a glimpse of it and those brief encounters truly amaze you? Remember your future is not a place; it’s something you create. Whatever path you choose to walk, remember it’s the one you’ve cut. It’s not the one you’ve discovered. Make your future, cut your path, and you’ll change who you are and the course you’re following. If you can follow your inner voice, you’ll slowly stop listening to the dark, denigrating voices; you'll let go of all the superficial distractions and petty pursuits under which have locked up that richness. When you no longer let things tear you down and enslave you, when you see the angel rather than the demon inside, you’ll find sacredness in yourself and purpose and meaning in your life. When you distance yourself from your sadness, you’ll come closer to the true joy that is your birthright. When you no longer pin your hopes on shallow, fleeting, physical sensations, you’ll uncover your beautiful inner spirit that can bring your life true joy. As you do all that, you start becoming the person you are capable of becoming.’ Each day I read those words as I brush my teeth and put on my makeup. Thanks to you—I know, really to me--each day I’m clean I’m living with fulfillment and purpose. Each day I’m clean I no longer am running and hiding from the real joy that I now know can be mine. Each day I’m clean I’m authentically living the life of that sacred someone I am. Each day I’m clean I see that angel in front of me telling everyone to make way for someone created in the image of God. Each day I’m clean I’m coming closer to the real me. Each day I’m clean I’m letting go of all those angers, distractions, fears, frustrations and annoyances that come from chasing the approval of others I so desperately wanted, that so desperately owned me, that so desperately disrespected me, that so limited my belief in myself and what I am capable of becoming. Each day I’m clean, I've opened a little wider that inner vault I wanted to believe was always inside me but until I met you and heard the story of your painted pinky never dared to see if it was true. I’ve found real gold inside me and I’ll be damn if I’m ever going to settle any more for fool's gold. Just want to say thanks and to let you know that you’re teaching me and I’m learning long after our class is over….
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Make it a good day. --Louis-- Louis Schmier lschmier@valdosta.edu Department of History www.therandomthoughts.com Valdosta State University www.halcyon.com/arborhts/louis.html Valdosta, GA 31698 /~\ /\ /\ 912-333-5947 /^\ / \ / /~\ \ /~\__/\ / \__/ \/ / /\ /~\/ \ /\/\-/ /^\_____\____________/__/_______/^\ -_~ / "If you want to climb mountains, \ /^\ _ _ / don't practice on mole hills" - \____ |