Sun, 20 Aug 1995
A STUDENT'S JOURNEY

Survival! That's what was on my mind at first this morning. For six miles and 54 minutes, I felt like a lobster being steamed alive as I trudged through a clammy fog that was superheated by a 82 degrees temperature, 97 per cent humidity, and 95 degree heat factor--and the sun wasn't even up.

Having I barely made it through our Georgia survival training course, I dropped down with a freshly brewed cup of rejuvenating coffee into a chair and randomly picked up one of the students' journals from the box I had brought home to read as I struggle to meet the deadline for that most uneducational task of assigning final grades. It turned out to be Sam's. (not his real name). I had read pieces of it every week, but this was the first time I read it in its entirety. As I turned the pages, my heart started to pound once again and my chest began to heave. It was like I was walking another six miles. Only this time, my trek was strengthening and renewing. Words, phrases, and sentence jumped out at me as I traveled through his journal. Page after page provided snapshots, often unguarded and intimate, into his mind and soul. On page after page, this quiet, noble man, who a colleague unsolicitedly had warned me wouldn't do much in class, painted portraits of what he thinking, what he was feeling, what he perceived about himself, how he was struggling. I read it three times! I put it down each time. Each time I had to pick it up again. I whispered and wrote these words to myself: "This is it! This is what teaching and learning is all about: when we help students to see education as more than just a gathering of and spitting back of a bunch of information; when we teachers see education as a means of inspiring students to become learners instead of memorizers and grow into better persons; when we encourage them to look beyond the narrows of the classroom to the larger picture of life, when we teach and the students learn where they are living their lives, and when the moral, humane power of education is exercised in the classroom. And since Sam was one of the students who gave me permission to use his journal, I want to take you along on his marvelous journey of wondrous discovery and magnificent growth. It's a bit long, but bear with me. It's worth the trip. It makes me feel worthy in this profession and in this life:

Monday, June 26: ....we interviewed each other and filled out sheets with all sorts of interesting questions. Groups of 5 students got together and we started talking about all sorts of things as we asked each other questions. Dr. Schmier was part of a group. I thought we would go through this in a few minutes. We just barely completed the 25 items in an hour and a half. One person would get and tell a few things to the class about each one in the group. We didn't get around to my group. O'neal was elected to be our spokesman. At the end of the class as I was leaving, Dr. Schmier asked me if I would be the spokesman for our group. Yes "me" to be the spokesperson for the group tomorrow. I told him we had already selected O'neal. He said he knew, but asked me to do him a favor. As non-traditional student if I stood up it would help the younger students. We were all the way over in the corner of a very large room and he knew what was going on. How did he do it? I was scared "shitless." I am very uncomfortable in front of a group. I think he remembered our quick talk. But you know, it probably won't be all that bad. I've gotten to know a lot of the students and a lot about them. I think this is what I really need. I don't believe I just said that--we'll see tomorrow. Still no role, but he already know the names of half of the 60 students in the class. No mention of history.....

Tuesday, June 27: ....I did the group spokesperson deal....I was very nervous in getting up in front of the class, but I wasn't as scared as I thought I would be, especially when I mentioned that I had lost 95 lbs. I got a round of applause and cheers and whistles that really did me an awful lot of good mentally even though I did keep shaking a little throughout the delivery of what I had got to know about a few of my new FRIENDS. Dr. Schmier threw me a Tootsie Pop from across the room...formed our triads today...did the metaphor exercise....strange what we think about college, professors and ourselves....talked about all of us capable of being top notch students but none of us would be able if WE didn't believe we were like Dr. Schmier did....nothing but encouragement and support in this class...more "trust stuff....sounded and acted like barnyard animals in front of each other....stood up an sang. It was so nervous I almost lost my voice. But did it....we're all equal now....if we can do this nothing can stop us if we don't want it to in this class....decided our class motto would be "We quacked and mooed; we sang; we can do anything!"....have to do it instead of just saying it....Got the syllabus....finally mentioned history....No role taking, but he knows almost all of us.

Wednesday, June 28: ....read the syllabus....the chair exercise was interesting. There's so many ways to look at something and each one has to be respected just like we can't look at the people at detox in the hospital all in one way, but as different people....different ways of seeing, interpreting, and doing....

Thursday, June 29: Chapter discussion in history today. I knew the stuff. Our triad met, read the material, discussed it, and did the commentary sheets. I sat there like a frog on a log. I tried so hard to get some stuff out but it just wouldn't come. I was comfortable being there, but I know it'll take a little time to work out this fear of speaking in a group....saw Dr. Schmier walk by outside. He stopped and called me by my name and threw me a Tootsie Pop. Me! We talked and told him what happened....He didn't give me a rah-rah speech. Just told me about his fears and lack of self-worth as he grew up, and when he had his ephipany about himself, it was still tough to break old habits. One step and one day at a time, he said he took, there were no revival tents and instant miraculous cures. Just a lot of hard work and commitment to himself.

Monday, July 3: ....Tidbit discussion. I said something....did another personal scavenger hunt....weird pets--mongoose, horses, cows, lizards--people have rings in the damnest places and told us why....one guy had it through his nipple, ouch. He was happy to show us....Getting to know more people....less isolated and less like a stranger! Class is getting closer.

Wednesday, July 5: Nothing spectacular today. Said a little more. Some of us talked before Dr. Schmier came bouncing in with his boombox....I found out that I'm not the only one scared....we're all in it together. We promised to help each other, not just in our triad but in the other triads as well....

Tuesday, July 11: you really have to know your stuff to come up with good skit and game about the material in the chapter....I'm learning so much already....we're put in contact with the material and we have to be our own learners and teachers....we have to trust each other and rely on each other....we're like a sports team or a theater cast....don't feel alone....

Wednesday, July 12: ....I was afraid to give the group an idea for a skit because they'd think it was dumb and so different from the others....I told them what I thought we ought to do....We didn't use it, but no one thought it was dumb. They liked it, but there wasn't enough time to make the scenery....doggone we've got to tear the chapter apart and look at it like the chair and really get into the material if we are going to get into our roles....This is like an academic "getting to know you exercise." I think the whole class is one big "getting to you and yourself exercise"..... just about everyone knows each other....

Thursday, July 13: ....I like working with them and getting to know them. It makes me feel at ease and that I can take a risk. If I could quack and waddle like a duck and everyone laughed with me and not at me, I think I can do my part in the skit....

Wednesday, July 19: ....the skit went great. We all knew what we were going to say and did our lines...I was a judge. Wore a wig....We had a big laugh....Everyone did a great job....a good confidence booster....Sure amazed how much creativity and imagination is in this room and how much learning is taking place....

Monday, July 24: ....I didn't say anything in class today and disappointed myself....talked with Dr. Schmier outside under the tree again...came away knowing I have to be patient with myself, be proud like he said that I'm here after all these years struggling to become a nurse. He asked me to think what that says about me. I think it says a hell of a lot....I have to be pleased that I talked some, was the announcer in the game and played the judge in our skit about the Salem witch hunts....one step and one day at a time. When I put it together it sounds like a race....That's the way we do it on the detox ward. Maybe my addiction is my shyness and I have to face it just like the alcoholics at the detox ward--one step and one day at a time....looking inside to see why I am shy and lack confidence....

Wednesday, July 26: ....got my list for the scavenger hunt. I have absolutely no idea of what to get for some of these people. Maybe a little imagination needs to be thrown in for good measure--what could it hurt? No one is going to laugh at me--there's no stupid question asked or dumb statement made in this class--so, not stupid items can be brought in. Remember the chair, one person can be presented in many different ways...I have something for everyone on my list. A couple are a little risky, but what the heck. I'm getting out of my "shell" a little more--maybe this stuff for the scavenger hunt will further enhance my "outgoingness" ....looking forward to Thurs., a little scared. But, Dr. Schmier told me yesterday that he discovered on his inward journey that it was OK to be scared as long as he would not let it control him. I'm going to do--not try--the same tomorrow.

Thursday, July 27: ....Margaret Sanger! ***** brought in an old bra and burned it....I took a gulp and showed by "six pack" of condoms. Seneca Falls Convention! I was last. I showed my centerfold from Playboy and Playgirl--gender equality--all MEN and WOMEN are born equal!! Did I get a reaction. It made my day. A bunch of my male and female friends came up to me and said--"Boy, that was brilliant. Talk about the chair! you've got guts. We'll never those feminists!" Gee, I wrote "friends" instead of "classmates" without thinking. I think this class IS a sunrise for me. If Dr. Schmier's sunrise came at 50 like he told us why not for me at 46? I've got four years on him.....

Monday, July 31: ....It doesn't bother me near as much to get up front of the class it did. I rather enjoy it--sorta....I've come a long way in such a short time, but I do seem to still hang back when it comes to discussion in my other classes which are colder and sterile where the professor cares more for his subject than us--they remind me of hospital rooms. But the more I do it in Dr. Schmier's class, the better it will get at it and do it in the other less supportive classes.....Saw him again as I was waiting to go to class....he's right. I can't rely on someone else to turn me off or on. I'd be no different than the slaves we're studying. The excitement and confidence has to come from within....damn sounds like the detox center....more of that addiction to shyness and relying on others and going inside you instead of inside a bottle when faced with a tough situation....

Tuesday, Aug 1: ....I can't believe I said absolutely nothing in class discussion today. I got a little "pissed off" at a couple of "youngins" for jumping on Dan....But what do I do?--nothing. A lot of work to do, nothing like a confidence breaker to show that....got a bit taken with myself....too much over-confidence....Now I know what Dr. Schmier meant when he said he's always wary about stopping for too long to pat himself on the back too much for the few steps he has taken.....

Wednesday, Aug 2: If I don't say something in class today I'll have to go to bed w/o supper. I think that's my new rule in regard to history class. I heard Dr. Schmier tell ****** that there's an old Chinese saying, "Don't 'try.' Do!" Good idea. No say something?--no supper! Just do it! Don't try! Do it!.....well I didn't say anything in class, but I think I'm on the threshold. Instead of planning what to say, I'd really would like to be "spontaneous." If I can't be spon. in this class, I doubt I could in any other....I'd talked with ***** about her accent and fear of talking. Told her that she sounded better than Dr. Schmier. She felt better--and said something in class today....

Friday, Aug 4: ....I got really upset with the unit supervisor today in the ward....I thought about Dr. Schmier & history class--honestly--and I actually told her how I felt about this situation....I think I'm getting a little bolder and am beginning to learn to speak my mind and take a risk rather than be pushed around or be quiet--especially when I know I'm right. I think she was surprised....It felt good....I feel like I'm a bit truer to myself and nearer to my true self.

Tuesday, Aug 8: Took a big step today. Volunteered to be interviewed for television by a crew filming our class. I almost shit in my pants, but I did it!!--Don't try. Just do it--told them I have never learned as much history in all my schooling as I have in this one class. Doug said the same thing....told Dr. *****, in answer to whether Dr. Schmier's style would work in any other class that I thought it wasn't just technique but Dr. Schmier's attitude and the atmosphere of support and encouragement and challenge he creates. I told him what I told the reporter--Dr. Schmier has this unshakable belief in us and when you go into a class and know everyone by name--and a little something about each of them--and you see them all over campus and work with them and speak to them as if you've known them all your life--and the professor is not on some distant high pedestal looking down on us like a god but is in the trenches with us--then whatever is taught and how it is taught--will be more enjoyable and fulfilling than sitting in a class of strangers afraid to speak to one another listening to another dull stranger at the front of the class talking....They used my interview and I was on television--me!

Thursday, Aug 10: ....it was impressive to listen during a discussion on social reform to ***** get up and speak about his bout with alcoholism as a teenager and **** mention that he was high school dropout and only has a GAD. I don't think they are lesser in anyone's eyes in this class. They know that. I know they are not in Dr. Schmier's. It's amazing how free we can be about ourselves in this class. I wish everyone got it....

Friday, Aug 11: ....picked up some great stuff for the final project scavenger hunt. You really have to know your stuff before you can think of a symbol. I tried to get stuff that would really indicate the importance of each person and how much I've learned about them....I've talked a lot more in class in these last weeks and have become a class leader of sort. Everyone seems, well most everyone, seems to willing to use their creativity and imagination more. It's like a friendly game among family members.....that's what most of us have become--a family. Are all those bonding and exercises, and the little things throughout the quarter, having a visible effect? Are we becoming the learning community Dr. Schmier is working hard to create? I know we are learning a heck of a lot this way. Most of us are not studying to pass a test. There are none! We're learning and letting the results take care of themselves. Heck, if we weren't understanding and learning, we couldn't do the chapter commentaries, tidbits, roadmap, skits, games, and scavenger hunts. I'm amazed how few slackers there are. I'm beginning to see what Dr. Schmier believes and sees....

Wednesday, Aug 16: My new motto is "JUST DO IT" and NOT "wait 'till someone else does it first to make it safe." I still get a little shaky at first when I get up....Before this class I probably would not have been able to even stand up in front of the class--you know I'm pretty good at this in the long run. I never would have thought I could have done this, understood so much, and learned even more. In fact--I'm proud of me!

Friday, Aug. 18: Last entry....These past eight weeks have been miraculous for me. I came in as rather shy person, deathly afraid of standing before the class, trembling at the thought of saying or doing anything other than what the professor told me to do, frightened of anything that would make me look stupid, embarrass me, and afraid I would be laughed at or ridiculed. Instead I have become extremely less shy and having absolutely no fear--well almost--that anything I said or did was out of line or stupid. It still shake a little at first, but not for long....I have faced fears that have been instilled in me which I didn't know were there. Before, I thought I was content at sitting back, taking notes from boring speakers and memorizing what I thought they want me know or what they told me I must know. No more!! ....We had to have closure today and bring in a symbol of what we thought about ourselves. I brought in a bag of horsepoop and a shovel. I told the class that the shovel represented what Dr. Schmier and everyone else gave me, the support and encouragement to find the tools I didn't know I had and needed to start digging beneath my fallow surface, discover that the land was not barren, and prepare my fertile ground for planting. The horsepoop showed how when I came here I thought of myself as a piece of useless shit, waiting for the first reason to go back and die as an orderly. Now, I see this doodoo as the fertilizer inside that will help me grow.....I thank Dr. Schmier and he told me that I did it, not him. He only helped me to ask the right question of myself, but I had to ask them and even more struggle to start answering them. He thanked ME for helping him grow. It has been like a breath of fresh air that you take in so deep you have to exhale slowly so you can keep his new air in you as long as possible. When you let it out--there's a feeling of total relaxation, satisfaction, and accomplishment. I've learned to "Just Do It" and "Have Fun Doing It." From "Miss August" and "Mr. July" to real "horse doodie," it has been a strange and eventful inward trip. I know a lot of other in the class have made a trip maybe not as far but one step at a time, one day at a time, one class at a time. I now have an appetite for learning, a greater confidence that I can learn, and a need to share what and how I have learned. I am going to make one great nurse!!