Date: Thu, 2 Apr 1998 07:42:46 -0500 (EST)
Random Thought: Professorial Doublespeak

It is the beginning of a new term. A penetrating and pervasive sour mist of regret hangs over the campus instead of an embracing, sweet, billowing cloud of rejoice.

It is the beginning of a new term. There is little sparkle in my colleagues eyes; their step is flat; their pace is lingering; their voice is unexcited.

It is the beginning of a new term. So many of them--far too many of them--take deep forlorn sighs, move in disappointing slow motion, shake their drooped heads, resignly mutter barely audible phrases about the break between quarters than has just ended: "too soon," "not ready," "more to do," "too short," "couldn't finish."

What are they talking about? Well, It's not teaching. And yet....it is.

I remember reading a recent article in CHANGE by David Kirp of Berkeley. Among the things he mentioned was that among the definitions of "work" listed in the academic dictionary "teaching" is not among them.

What are they talking about? Well, it's not teaching. And yet....it is.

No matter what you read about the awakening of interesting in teaching in higher education--the growing number of conferences on teaching, the glowing mission statements incorporating commitments to teaching, the notices of position openings with their statement emphasizing teaching, the on-campus offices of faculty development or centers of teaching and learning, the awards recognizing excellence in teaching, the increase in the number of "how to" books--we live in an academic culture where those professors who devote their time and energies to teaching still are treated as something like smokers: stained and smelly, lower order of people tolerated but confined to restricted, designated out-of-the-way areas.

But, to avoid this reality, a lot of professors--often supported by administrators interested in generating income, creating image, acquiring reputation, and writing glitzy annual reports--protect or delude themselves with a camouflaging academic doublespeak. So, once having been fluent in that language, I thought I would act as a translator of some of the more pronounced complaints that professors are forever bantering about:

"I couldn't get any work done today."
TRANSLATION: "I couldn't do any research or writing."

"I need to have 'my' time to work."
TRANSLATION: "I've got to get this research done and finish my publication."

"I want to get another position."
TRANSLATION: "I have to research and publish."

"The teaching load is too heavy."
TRANSLATION: "I can't do any research or writing."

"There's just not enough time in a day."
TRANSLATION: "I can't do any research or writing."

"I'm going to drop this project from my syllabus."
TRANSLATION: "I need time for my research and writing."

"I can't be concerned with each student's problems."
TRANSLATION: "I must do my research or writing."

"I need a block of time to work."
TRANSLATION: "I need a block of time to research and write."

"Students don't ____________________(fill in the blank) these days"
TRANSLATION: "I can spend my valuable time more productively doing research and writing.

"I had a lousy day today!"
TRANSLATION: "I didn't do any research or writing."

"I was hired as a Professor of......"
TRANSLATION: "I get rewarded for my research and writing."

"I am a Professor of....."
TRANSLATION: "I have researched and written in my field."

"The students were in my office all day."
TRANSLATION: "I didn't do any research or writing."

"I want that promotion."
TRANSLATION: "I must research and publish."

"I have to get tenure."
TRANSLATION: "I must do my research and writing."

"I have to pass post-tenure review."
TRANSLATION: I must do research and writing."

"They tell me that I pay too much attention to students."
TRANSLATION: "I must do my research and writing."

"It's break time. Now I can do my work."
TRANSLATION: "Now I can do my research and writing."

"The term is starting too soon. I didn't get enough work done."
TRANSLATION: "I didn't get enough researching and writing done."

"I've got work to do."
TRANSLATION: "I've got to get to my research and writing."

"My work isn't finished,"
TRANSLATION: "I've still got research and writing to do."

"I am a good teacher."
TRANSLATION: "I have researched and written on the subject."

"I can teach."
TRANSLATION: "I know my subject. My research and writing proves it."